It's been a long while away from Xanga. Twas my very first serious blog.

I just went through all my old entries. The ones which were very much public before, but when I lost what seemed like everything, I took all the words I put out there, back. I made them private one by one by one.

I made some public again. Just cos'. I don't know what I made my criteria, for those to be part of me again. But I just clicked on those entries I re-read, which touched me.

I regret opening my new blog to some people, because they shouldn't be looking at me so intimately. But life's about regrets sometimes, and just dealing.

I'm doing much better since. And he is too. There are times I still can't believe it, that I lost what I thought I would never lose.

Then I remember this song that goes 'Lose what we can't keep, gain what we can't lose.' I'm comforted, that I can't 'lose' God. I can't lose my family. Cos' they'll never leave me. Even as I hurt them, even as I spoil things, even as I disappoint them so cruelly. They'll never leave me.

I want him to be happy.

Even as I talked to Michelle today, and as I typed the words, I felt the tears fall.

'Boo, I really really loved him know?'

And even as I cried, I scrambled to type 'But I know that I have to move on, and I am. I'm so much better now.' Because I know she worries. But sometimes I just need to wallow, and not put forth disclaimers all the time.

 It's my birthday next week. I'll spend it with those who love me, just like I did last year and the year before. But less a person. And I don't really know what that means to me, I guess I'll find out.

We threw a coin each into the Trevi Fountain. Maybe we'll both go back again, but in different times, with different hearts.

Work is just exhausting, spending time with family and friends takes up all the rest of my time, I barely have anytime to reflect upon my day.

So photos do best in encapsulating moments I suppose.

I had a sweet, happy Valentine's day. We stayed in, at Pek's place, and ate a pek-cooked meal.

While he was cooking, he looked very stressed and vexed. And I guessed it was to do with his present to me. We're both pretty much light in the pocket compartment, so I told him not to buy anything big for me.

Before I went to his place anyway, I dropped by TBP and got some groceries. Bought him Venezia ice-cream and wanted to make Nana's Mozzarella-Tomato-Nachos for him.

Anyhow,  halfway through cooking, I think he got fed-up thinking about the present, so he let me finally go into his room (which up till then apparently, had been invaded by a giant mosquito and filled with choking fumes). He told me not to expect much. I've finally found someone more self-deprecating than me hey?

Anyway, I was really happy. He made me this...

This may mean nothing to other people, but it means a lot to the both of us. We bought this puzzle in Amsterdam, at the Van Gogh Museum. It was one of our fave VG paintings, full of happy colours, and meant by him actually to convey rest and relaxation. We were supposed to do it together, then frame it prettily and place it in hopefully, 'our' future room.

Anyhoo, Pek's stressed look was cos' he hadn't finished the puzzle till then. He took it upon himself to finish the 1000 piece puzzle in 2 days. Which is insanity really. But he almost finished it if u can see from the pikooture above. He was so vexed cos' he didn't know what to do with it cos' I was there before he was done with it.

Anyway, I was really happy, and I hope he knows that. He put in so much effort, sacrificed his sleep and time to do this. So I'm really all smiles. :) The sweetest part was in the end, he gave me the last piece in a pretty Stila angpow (yes they have ang pows!), and I fit it in. *beams*

My present to him was a little more under the radar. Just a simple letter to him. I racked my brains trying to figure out how to design the card, and in the end, I gave up, and just started drawing and slicing. So here's the end result.

I'm documenting this day, cos' to our horror, both of us forgot what we did for Valentine's last year. Wahahaha....

Niteynite world. =)

I'm unabashedly unintellectual.

Yeppos. That I am.

I remember thinking this about myself in Manu's house. I think Pek, Claire and Manu were talking about something intellectual. The doofus in me can't even remember what intellectual brouhaha they were talking about. Was it politics? While they were musing over the political antics of some gremlin-faced premier, lil' ol me, was sitting beside Pek, twirling my hair, and being in my own world. I snapped out of it a moment, to coin this little phrase, which does sound a little intellectual doesn't it?

At least I can alliterate? *bats eyes*

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Do you know how much of a beembo I am? I got angry with Pek yesterday you know why?

Cos' I wanted to go shopping. *diatribe: I have no new year clothes. oh my gawd! It's a cardinal sin!*

And Pekoo, true to his self, wanted to sweep. Yep. Sweep his bed.

And he bluffed me we would go out and gia gia at night. But he just slept. Then I got fed up, and went home. To watch Seth Cohen handle the experienced Summer, and Anna leave forever. How beautiful is Samaire Armstrong??

I dunno why but I was very tantrumy yesterday. I said 'very warm' non-stop for 10 minutes at Pekoo's house, then he had to pamper me with Apple Joo. Then I threw the shopping tantrum, then at night when I met him again just for supper, I was the brat of the century.

But he was kokay with it. We went NTUC to do shopping cos' it was gonna stay open till 2, and we had a great time trolling the isles.

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I think I'm gonna date ah-ma to go shopping after work ends at 12. Weehoo! Am I gonna get my spanking new clothes after all?

Yeah right. If I can actually find anything to pad this blubber load of a behind.

Bye!

5 days to Europe. =)

But still, I have more real worries on my mind now. You know how I wanted to go to Europe without a burden of having to find a job when I come back? Well, that dream's almost kaput for sure. No job yet, and even less faith in my abilities.

Yeah....maybe deep inside I do have a lil' inferiority complex as nana says.  Cos' I do know I cannot compare to a lot of people.

Yesterday was my first ever group interview. Took half day off at Shell, and Claire and I went for the WDA interview. Yup! We got the same group interview. How coincidental is that?

Anyhoo, 2 other SMU girls were put with us; Michelle and Jenny. They're pretty friendly, and can carry themselves off well. During the interview, I said the most inane things, whilst I kept nodding my head unconciously when they said the most inspired things. Why can't I think like them? I need about a year and a half to mull over things before I can come with a formulated thought. Claire was great too, whilst I just faded into the background. All I did was smile and nod my head....at other people's answers. I think I was confused between being an interviewee and an interviewer.

I really need to know my strengths and weaknesses, so I can speak more confidently and less inanely like the ditz that I think I am.

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Yesterday too, was supposed to be my last day at work. The day before, I had gone out for lunch with Rita, this grumps who didn't seem to like me in the beginning, but now, is really sweet and smiley to me. =)

I'm really happy for that. Makes my day at work so much better.

Anyway, she told me that my BB/LPK always has something bad to say about temps who replace her(Rita, her PA/Financial Secretary), but she told me LPK had nothing but good things to say about me. Well, tha simple sentence made my heart flutter man, like no kiss can. Teeheehee....

The feeling of being appreciated can compete with the feeling of being loved anytime.

I hope beyond my wildest dreams I get considered for Shell with my ickly grades, but if it doesn't happen, I won't be that sad. Cos' my time there was well-spent.

To tell the truth, in all my job experiences, my Shell ones have been the best. My first stint at SCITE, and this second one in Finance, have been the most fruitful, and the best of my working days. I truly believe that  the inbuilt processes of an MNC, the carefully detailed job scope of every person, helps in bringing out that person's full potential. SO I totally get what Claire's mum means when she says it's good to start out in an MNC to learn their processes.

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Went for Korean Shin's party the night last also, and pigged out of scrummy Korean fare. There wasn't the coveted bulgolgi, nor bibimbap & chap jae, but it was great nontheless. Met Gracie, and we talked happily for the night. =) So great to catch up with her. She always makes me laugh till my guts feel like they are epileptic.

After that, Pekoo and I took a long bus ride home. I slept on his shoulder, whilst he watched TVMobile. And so naturally, we missed out stop. Hahaa....We dropped off at ulu Lorong 8 Toa Payoh, and I hitched a cab back home.

And oh! Kent lent me his 60-70 litre bag. It doesn't have that little detachable pack in front, but it looks sturdy enough. That will contain my life's possessions for my entire time in Europe.

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Mummy has been telling me time and again to be careful. And told me something that almost made me cry; that she will worry till the day I come back, and nothing I say can make her not worry, cos' I'm her precious daughter.

Hai....The endless struggle between pleasing yourself, and the people around you.

I bought her a birthday card yesterday, for her to open on her birthday, cos' I'll be away then.

I love you mama.

She doesn't read this, but to borrow from the Buddhist's a little, I want to send this out to the universe.

I love you mama. You are my light.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Held someone while he puked.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never have new year's resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope. But my cgl got preggers!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Choy!

5. What countries did you visit?
Thailand.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Better time and money management. The ability to prioritise and say 'No'.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
When my dad said yes to letting me go to Europe.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Loving my grandma more.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Making my mum feel that she's lost me.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lots of scratches and schliapped skins but nothing serious.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My mum's Coach bag

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Pekoo.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My mum's. For not trusting me and judging before thought.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food and Pek.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Ollie.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
The Reason- Hoobastank

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder: Happier
Thinner or fatter: Fatter
Richer or poorer: Richer now, but will be poorer soon

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise. And spent time with God.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?      Eat.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
It's over.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
More in love.

22. How many one-night stands?
1. With Ollie.

23. What was your favorite TV programme? New one?
Gilmore Girls. But I hardly had the time to watch it.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

25. What was the best book you read?
Vernon God Little.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Thai Music- Taxi.

27. What did you want and get?
A digicam.

28. What did you want and not get?
A job upon leaving for Europe.

29. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
Incredibles

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Just had dinner with the rents. And slept the night away. 22.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I had studied a little harder, and gotten just 0.2 more.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Hiding the huge butt, and chicken wing arms of mine.

33. What kept you sane?
Pekoo. Claire. Mookie.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jack Jack.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The throwing chair politicians of Taiwan.

36. Who did you miss?
Mookie in Aussieland

37. Who was the best new person you met?
LPK from Shell

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
That life isn't just about making the people around you happy.